The Question Everyone’s Holding

Earlier this week I was in a roundtable meeting with a group of leaders I respect. The person leading the discussion was really driving home an important point: prospects don’t want to buy our “recipe.” They want their problem fixed.

He repeated the point a few times. It completely made sense, but in my chest I felt a growing sense of protection for my unique framework. I had a hunch I wasn’t the only one in the room quietly thinking, “But I like my recipe.”

So with a smile in my voice, I said, “But I created that framework. I’m really proud of it.”

Everyone seemed to exhale. The laughter didn’t undercut his point. It drove it home.

The question you think only you have

You’ve probably been there. You’re in a board meeting, and a board member uses an acronym you don’t know. Or the speaker uses some insider jargon that means nothing to you. Everyone around the table nods. You nod too, and quietly wonder if you’re the only one who’s lost.

You’re not alone in that. Most of us have held back a question because we were sure we were the only one wondering about it.

There are good reasons to hold back. A question can look like an attack, or like an invitation to debate. Even when you don’t mean it that way, the person you’re asking can feel cornered. So you stay quiet and confused, as does everyone else holding the same question.

When I’m in meetings, I’m often the first to ask what the acronym means. Or what the insider jargon means. More often than not, I find out I wasn’t the only one wondering.

Why the room turns to look at you

When you do ask, people turn and look at you. It’s easy to read that as the spotlight landing on you, and to wish you’d kept your mouth shut.

I don’t think the look is judgmental. They’re looking at you because they’re surprised you said what they were thinking.

The worry that you’re the only one is often the best sign that you aren’t.

Go first, and make yourself the example

In that meeting, I didn’t aim at anyone. I made myself the example. I said the thing we were all feeling about our own frameworks, as the guy who’s proud of his.

That did a few things at once. The person leading the conversation got his point emphasized instead of challenged. Everyone else got to recognize themselves without having to admit it. Nobody had to look defensive, and the whole group was back in the conversation.

I happen to process quickly, so I often see a connection and can say it in one line before the tension builds. You don’t need that to do this. You don’t need to be funny, either. You only need to be willing to go first.

Try this at your next meeting

The next time an acronym goes by that you don’t know, be the first to ask what it stands for.

That’s it. It’s a small question, and it’s low risk. Most people will be glad you asked, and some of them will be relieved.

Over time, going first tends to get easier, and the harder questions start to feel askable too. The people around you learn that questions are safe in rooms you’re in. Your meetings get more honest, and more people take part in them.

Chances are, when you ask, you’re asking for the room.