11 strategies for the newly promoted leader

It’s a moment that catches nearly every new leader off guard: sitting down for lunch with your usual work friends and suddenly realizing everything feels different. The casual jokes don’t land quite the same way. The office gossip makes you uncomfortable. You realize you now know personnel details about the company that you can’t share.

And everyone – including you – feels the awkwardness.

This shift from peer to leader often proves more challenging than mastering the technical aspects of your new role. While you can learn systems, processes, and management techniques through training, there’s no simple manual for navigating the complex emotions and social dynamics of leading former peers.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by this transition, you’re not alone.

In over two decades of coaching leaders through internal promotions, we’ve seen this challenge create more anxiety than any other aspect of taking on a leadership role. You’re caught between two worlds – if you stay too friendly, you risk not being taken seriously as a leader. But if you suddenly become too formal, you risk damaging valuable relationships and appearing inauthentic.

The good news? This transition isn’t about ending friendships – it’s about evolving them to fit new professional realities. Let’s explore how to navigate this complex terrain while maintaining both your effectiveness as a leader and the authentic connections that make work meaningful.

Understanding the New Dynamic

This transition affects everyone involved – not just you. Your former peers might feel a mix of emotions: happiness for your success, uncertainty about the new dynamic, or even disappointment if they wanted the role themselves. And you’re processing your own complex feelings while trying to figure out appropriate new boundaries.

Four common pitfalls emerge when new leaders don’t proactively address this changed dynamic:

• The “Nothing’s Changed” Trap: Trying to maintain the exact same relationships, which can undermine your authority and make it harder to make tough decisions later.
• The “Complete Personality Transplant””: Suddenly becoming overly formal and distant, which feels inauthentic to everyone and damages trust.
• The “Selective Friendship” Problem: Maintaining closer relationships with some former peers while being more distant with others, creating perceptions of favoritism.
• The “Avoidance Approach”: Putting off difficult conversations or performance issues to preserve friendships, which ultimately damages both the professional and personal relationship.

 

7 Practical Strategies for Navigating Changing Work Relationships

Here are specific ways to handle this transition:

1. Acknowledge the Change Openly

   Your peers know things are different. Pretending nothing has changed just makes it more awkward. Have one-on-one conversations with your former peers-now-direct reports. Try something like: “I know this transition might feel weird. It does for me too. I value our relationship and want to find ways to work well together in our new roles.” Yes, these conversations might feel uncomfortable. But avoiding them only makes the discomfort last longer.

2. Set Clear Boundaries Without Being Rigid

   Being friendly doesn’t mean you have to share everything like before. You can still care about people while maintaining appropriate boundaries. Think of it like being the team captain in sports – you’re still part of the team, but you have different responsibilities now. This mental shift helps you stay authentic while honoring your new role.

3. Create Intentional Connection Times

   Your old pattern might have been constant casual chats throughout the day. That probably won’t work anymore – and it shouldn’t. Instead, create specific times for connecting:

   • Regular one-on-ones focused on professional development
   • Team lunches with clear purposes
   • Structured coffee check-ins

Yes, it feels more formal. But structure actually creates space for real connection.

Managing Specifically Sticky Situations

1. Social Events and Gatherings

   You don’t have to attend every team social event anymore. In fact, you probably shouldn’t. Your presence changes the dynamic – and that’s okay. Choose which casual gatherings make sense for your new role:

   • Keep: Team celebrations, milestone markers, planned team-building events
   • Skip: After-work venting sessions, informal gossip gatherings, complaint sessions
   • Be selective about: Happy hours, informal lunches, coffee runs

2. Handling Awkward Moments

   You’ll inevitably face situations where conversation turns to topics you can’t engage with anymore. Have some ready responses:

   • “I need to step back from those discussions now.”
   • “I appreciate you trusting me with this, but I need to handle that kind of information differently in my new role.”
   • “Let’s redirect this conversation to something more constructive.”

   Yes, it might feel stiff at first. Any new skill does. But being prepared helps you stay professional in the moment. And with practice, you’ll be able to find the way to say these that stays true to who you are.

3. Performance Issues

   This is often where leaders with friend relationships struggle most. You might be tempted to avoid difficult conversations to preserve friendships. But delaying only makes things worse:

   • Address issues promptly and professionally
   • Be careful of addressing people in front of others, one-on-one is often better
   • Be direct but compassionate
   • Focus on specific behaviors and outcomes
   • Document conversations and follow-up

   Your friends-turned-team-members will actually respect you more for being clear and fair. This advice also applies to other team members who weren’t friends before you promotion. Consistently addressing performance issues helps build a culture of trust.

4. Maintaining Consistency

   It’s natural to be more comfortable with long-time friends on your team. But showing obvious favoritism will damage team trust. And you might not even realize you’re showing favoritism. Because of your long history with your friend, you likely know she’s great at getting certain things done. Or if it’s a performance issue, you’re more likely to his excuses for lateness or not meeting objectives. This is the favoritism that can tear your team apart.

   Create systems and processes that you apply equally:

   • Time off requests
   • Project assignments
   • Performance reviews
   • Access to development opportunities

   As a leader, it’s important to remember that this doesn’t mean treating everyone exactly the same. It’s about making sure your decision-making process should be consistent and transparent.

   Before you say “yes” to your friend’s request or accept their excuse, it can be helpful to think of another team member you don’t know well and ask yourself, “Would I be this quick with her?”

4 Approaches to Building New Support Systems

A surprising thing about being promoted in leadership can be how lonely you feel. The new responsibilities, the new access to information, and the new burden of responsibilities sets you apart from the people who just last week were your peers.

The truth is, your need for workplace friendships hasn’t disappeared – it just needs to shift.

Here’s are 3 ways to create new support networks:

1. Finding Your New Peer Group

   One thing you can do is start building connections with other managers or leaders in similar positions. The likely can be natural connections because they are more likely to understand the complexities you are now working with.

   You could:

   • Join management peer groups
   • Attend leadership development programs
   • Connect with other newly promoted leaders
   • Build relationships with peers in other departments

   These connections provide crucial support and understanding from people facing similar challenges.

   One challenge with this is that most of your new peers will look like they already have everything figured out. Part of the leadership growth journey is realizing they’re also making it up as they go. Still, many leaders find it wise to go slowly with being vulnerable, only opening up a bit as the other people earn trust.

2. Creating Appropriate Connection Points

   Look for ways to maintain informal relationships while respecting new boundaries. It can help in being clear about what you’d like – to learn something or to make an acquaintance – and what you are likely going to give them in return. These relationships shouldn’t be one-way.

   Some approaches you might consider include:

   • Walking meetings
   • Professional development-focused conversations
   • Structured mentoring relationships
   • Team building activities

   The key is being intentional about both the setting and topics. If you’re looking to learn something from a new person, don’t lie and say you “just want to get together for coffee.” Do them the kindness of letting them know you see something in them you’d like to learn from.

   I’d suggest adding a brief section just before the “Working with a Coach” section in the “Building New Support Systems” part. Here’s a possible addition:

3. Learning Coaching Skills

   One of the most effective ways to navigate these changing relationships – and to grow as a leader – is by developing your own coaching skills. Leaders who learn coaching skillsß find themselves better equipped to:

   • Have difficult conversations without damaging relationships.
   • Help team members find their own solutions rather than always giving advice.
   • Create the kind of growth-focused conversations that strengthen professional relationships while maintaining appropriate boundaries.
   • Build trust through asking powerful questions instead of always having to have the answers.

   These skills can completely transform how you engage with your former peers. Instead of feeling stuck between being their friend and their boss, you can create a new type of relationship – one where you’re their champion and guide in their professional growth.

4. Working with a Coach

   You can do all of this on your own. And hopefully, your work environment has helpful systems for mentoring and skilled supervisors who’ll act as guides through this early stage of your new promotion.

   But most newly promoted find their employer is too busy and expects them to just “get” how to be in this new leadership role.

   This is where having a coach becomes particularly valuable. A good coach, sometimes called an “executive coach,” or a “leadership coach,” this professional is outside of your hiring and firing system. So they’re safe to share your half-baked ideas with. A skilled coach helps you:

   • Process the emotional complexity of changing relationships without burdening your team
   • Think through tricky situations before they happen
   • Develop strategies for building authority while maintaining authenticity
   • Practice difficult conversations before having them
   • Stay true to yourself while growing into your new role
   • Find your authentic leadership voice
   • Build confidence in setting appropriate boundaries

   Despite the prevalence of people calling themselves a “coach,” good coaches can be hard to find. It can be helpful to find a coach who is serious enough about their profession to have gone through a rigorous, accredited coach certification like those accredited by the International Coaching Federation. (For more on evaluating the coaches you’re considering, look at our guide “The Importance of Coach Certification.”)

Moving Forward

Remember, this transition isn’t about becoming a different person – it’s about evolving your relationships to fit new professional realities. The most powerful transformations happen when leaders realize they don’t have to choose between:

• Being respected and being liked
• Being professional and being authentic
• Building authority and maintaining connections

The key is approaching this evolution with intentionality and transparency. Have open conversations about changing dynamics, set clear expectations, and find new ways to maintain meaningful connections while honoring your leadership responsibilities.

The awkwardness of this transition period won’t last forever. With time and intentional effort, you can develop relationships that are both professionally appropriate and personally fulfilling. Your interactions might be different, but they can be equally – or even more – valuable in your leadership journey.

Remember, this transition is a journey, not a switch to flip. Being promoted with a new title doesn’t mean you magically know how to lead. Or that your friends will magically know how to be friends with you now.

Give yourself and your team time to adjust to the new dynamic. Stay patient with the process, be consistent in your approach, and keep focusing on building positive professional relationships that serve both your team and your organization. And don’t blame yourself if some of your friends aren’t willing to make this transition with you.

The most successful leaders find ways to honor both their history with their team and the requirements of their new role. By thoughtfully reshaping these relationships, you create the foundation for both stronger leadership and more meaningful connections. That’s the real gift of this challenging time: the opportunity to build something better than what was there before.

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